Crying

I'm so pathetic. I'm so pathetic that I ramble everything on this blog instead of having an actual person to talk to. How sad is that? I have no one to talk about the sad and depressing things with.

There is a boy I adore. More than a boy, really. We dated in high school and I let other people's opinions of him influence my own, and it ruined everything, and right when I was opening back up to him, he found someone else. Someone who I am sure is much nicer and prettier than I am. My chest is burning, my eyes are stinging, and my ears are roaring. I can't make myself unfriend him and let go, but it kills me to talk to him and know that I fucked everything with him up. I'm only 20-years-old and I already have more regrets than some 50 year olds I know.

I'm so sad all of the time. I cry all the time and I never want to do anything. I just hate eveything thats going on in my life, and I hate the person I'm becoming.

I used to love being outside and taking pictures and drawing and reading, but now all I want to do is sleep all the time. I can't even listen to music without getting angry or upset about something.

The thought of going back to school next week makes me want to puke. I hate school, I absolutly hate it, and no one understands. I would rather poke myself in the eyes repeatedly with dirty needles than go back to school but everyone says it's something that has to be done and that I should just get over it, but no one really asks why I feel the way I do. I want to cry at the thought of spending time in school. I just want to curl up in a ball under my covers and never come out until I'm actually pretty and someone wants me like I want them.

Is it so much to ask for? Someone who loves me that I can love back?

Is it so much to ask for? To love myself just the way I am?