Crying

I'm so pathetic. I'm so pathetic that I ramble everything on this blog instead of having an actual person to talk to. How sad is that? I have no one to talk about the sad and depressing things with.

There is a boy I adore. More than a boy, really. We dated in high school and I let other people's opinions of him influence my own, and it ruined everything, and right when I was opening back up to him, he found someone else. Someone who I am sure is much nicer and prettier than I am. My chest is burning, my eyes are stinging, and my ears are roaring. I can't make myself unfriend him and let go, but it kills me to talk to him and know that I fucked everything with him up. I'm only 20-years-old and I already have more regrets than some 50 year olds I know.

I'm so sad all of the time. I cry all the time and I never want to do anything. I just hate eveything thats going on in my life, and I hate the person I'm becoming.

I used to love being outside and taking pictures and drawing and reading, but now all I want to do is sleep all the time. I can't even listen to music without getting angry or upset about something.

The thought of going back to school next week makes me want to puke. I hate school, I absolutly hate it, and no one understands. I would rather poke myself in the eyes repeatedly with dirty needles than go back to school but everyone says it's something that has to be done and that I should just get over it, but no one really asks why I feel the way I do. I want to cry at the thought of spending time in school. I just want to curl up in a ball under my covers and never come out until I'm actually pretty and someone wants me like I want them.

Is it so much to ask for? Someone who loves me that I can love back?

Is it so much to ask for? To love myself just the way I am?

I Love Disappointment

I really love disappointment sometimes. I love when I make plans with my dad a week prior to the day I want to do things, but it seems like everything is more important than me. 2 days ago we were supposed to go out and do something together (get a hibachi lunch) becuase he had taken my sister and her boyfriend out last week. Well 2 days ago he made an excuse, like he always does. Then we changed our plans to go yesterday, but he, once again, cancelled and made plans for today, before I go to work. Then I wake up and he's out somewhere but it's okay, the place doesn't even open until 11. 11 approaches and he is home just in time, I was hoping to leave at 10:30 to get there at 11 because I have to leave for work at 2:30. Well, he's brought a friend home with him, and they've decided to work on finishing the basement instead. Then when he asks me when I work tomorrow and I tell him I have off I add "So let me guess, we're going tomorrow?" he goes "I'm sorry Sam, but this is just more important."

It felt like a little stab in the chest. He says things like that all the time that to a normal person wouldn't mean anything, and they wouldn't take it in such a harsh way, but to me it sounds like "Sam, this is more important than you." I know how crazy I am. I'm being insane and I know it, but it still hurts my feelings :(