Meh

I'm procrastinationg right now. I don't understand how I have no problems with writing creatively, but when my possible future career depends on these grades, my mind goes blank and not a word comes out. It's insane, and I hate the feeling of not controlling what is going on.

Apparently, I'm a huge control freak.

Blogging feels different than any kind of creative writing I've ever done. I feel like I'm writing in a journal (by the way, I was NEVER good about writing in those) but it sounds like my life is super boring to me. Why would any one want to read the over emotional ramblings of a stupid almost 20-year-old? Eh, beats me.

So back to the original topic!

I have four 2 page papers (thats 2 full spilling onto the 3rd) due tomorrow. I have about a paragraph of that written. Yesterday, I started a 6 page paper that was due today. I finished that shit by the way, it was like a race against time or something. I have a 10 page paper due on Thursday (don't worry! I have 5 pages of that done already... that I wrote today... that I almost pretty much copied from Wikipedia... my new Jesus) and I feel like all this stuff is coming out of nowhere when I've had WEEKS to finish the 10 pager and the four 2 page papers. I don't know where time has slipped away to! (http://www.justmommies.com/ anyone? Look up Typical Heroine. http://www.fanfiction.net/ anybody? Look up My Heroine, Paint Shop Pro anyone?) Yeah, as you can tell I am seriously lacking in the "Life" department, and you would think that with all this extra time I have on my hands not spending it with the two people I comfortable enough to consider friends that live in any kind of close proximity to me, I would be way ahead of the school curve ball. See post before this one.

I really should work on those papers now...

I'm a Horrible Student

So, I'm 19-years-old and the last thing I want to do is go to school. I've already not gone to school for a semester, which was heaven to me, but now I want nothing to do with school. I hate that my parents are MAKING me do it as well. I sit in class (much like I am right now) and do nothing but browse the Internet and chat on facebook and other various websites. I hate school, and I always have. I want nothing to do with it. Being in class is a huge waste of money, and I don't understand why I have to be here. I can do what I want to without a degree.

I have trouble focusing and paying attention. I already know I'm going to fail my math class, and now I'm probably going to fail my history one because  can't just sit down and pop out 10 pages about something I just really don't care about at all. I hate everything about school. The professors are always really nice, but that doesn't mean I can do what they ask of me. It isn't that I don't try, because I do, but I really have no drive to do things to the level that they always want. I don't want to be here, so why put in effort for it to be wasted?

I'd rather do anything than go to school. I'd rather stick sewing needles in my eyes. Maybe if I lived somewhere far, far away from where I am now, I would strive to do better, but I just don't have any motivation. I'm so scared I'm going to be stuck here in bumblefuck nowhere, Pennsylvania that I just can't focus on anything besides my impending imprisonment in this godforsaken Commonwealth. I'm just so listless and depressed all of the time that I just have no where to go and no one to turn to. I have friends that I love dearly, of course, and family, but my family doesn't understand, and my friends will think I'm being a drama queen. I hate it here, I hate where I live, I hate school,  nothing seems to make me happy anymore. Everything is so faked to me, and it seems no one knows me well enough to know that my happiness is forced. I can't stand being alone, but I don't want to be near anyone either. I can't stand the way my body looks to be, but I can't stop shoving food down my throat every single chance I get. I feel trapped, like I'm suffocating, but no one will help me. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be in this school, or any other school for that matter.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Could This Day Be More Annoying?

Well, today was a really aggrivating day.

My history professor said that he would be going to the Metropolitan Museum of Art today and that any of us (meaning the class) was welcome to join him for some extra credit (since NYC is about 2 hours from me). My friend (who is also in his class) and I decide that we're going to go, but we need someone to drive us. That someone is my father. So my friend Jen and I head to the museum with him and we get there right on time, then wait almost an hour for my professor to show up. When he finally shows up he decides to wait another 15 minutes for someone else in the class to show up. They don't show up. We go inside and finally get situated and he started blathering on and on and on about EVERY SINGLE EXIBIT. Now, I normally wouldn't mind this and I would patiently sit there and listen as this is an extra credit opportunity and everything, but parking for more than 3 hours is almost 40 dollars in the Metro parking garage. We were in the first room for 45 minutes. Now we've been here for an hour and 45 minutes and we've seen one room. Then we finally get going along, and I check my phone real quick. My father, who of course stayed and went to the museum as well, practically yells at me for checking my phone while the teacher is blathering. I put my phone away and continue to walk on. Eventually the class dispurses after he shows us everything he wants to, and my little group decides we want to check out the paintings before we go, as I'm a huge art fan (my mother was an art major in college, and she taught me all about all the painters and stuff like that) and I'm finally starting to have a good time and enjoy myself.

When we leave the museum after paying the 35 dollar parking fee, we head out into the traffiky new york streets. We get about a half hour into the ride out before I realize my phone is not in my hoodie pocket where it should be. I search under my seat and around me and I even rub the outsides of my boots because for some reason, I'm thinking I shoved the phone in there, though I don't feel it. Now I will be the first to admit I have HORRIBLE phone luck. I've gone through several phones in the past few years, mostly because I'm an airhead. For instance, I lost a phone when I flew out to Oregon to visit family because I was climing all over a bunch of sand dunes with it in my hoodie pocket and it fell out. Ive had them stolen, lost, and broken. It's insane. Well, my father starts yelling at me in front of my friend about how I'm so immature and irresponsible, that I'm never getting another phone on his plan again as long as I'm on it, and blah blah blah. Well, I'm starting to feel like crap at this point, and I feel bad for my friend that she has to witness the awkward family tension.

We decide to stop off somewhere to get food and stretch our legs and when I step out of the car it feels like something plopped to the bottom of my fake ugg boot. I look down and low and behold. My cell phone is down there. I was so pissed and relieved at the same time. I CHECKED my boots! I had thought I imagined sticking it in my boot, for some odd, strange reason, but I didn;t remember actually doing it.

I still have no clue as to how the phone got there, why it was there, or how I could possibly not feel it when I felt around the outside of my boot as I have a pretty large phone (a Motorola Backflip). Exaple of devil phone is right below this.

All in all, today was a frustratingly annoying day.